Wanna hear a fucked up story? Don’t say anything, I’m gonna tell you anyway, gotta relieve some stress. Wanna know how fucked up? Well, I actually used to be a human, born in this city here, although when I left, it was still called Ferozoica. That way about 40 years ago.

Hooked yet? ‘Cause it’s only getting worse. But ah well, let’s start from the beginning. So, as I said, I used to be a human. My parents… Erinn and Ursk Meiur, maybe you know them? Anyway, they were piss poor, but we loved each other. When it turned out I had magic powers, they even worked their asses off to pay for the fees of that Academy that doesn’t exist anymore. They were so proud, and how did I thank them? By screwing everything up and getting thrown out. Yeah, I skipped a few important things their, let me backtrack. So, I was never very good with books and the academy was all about books. Magic items and stuff, those were easy. They had structure, I could touch them, they were REAL. All those spells though? I barely got past the basics. Never got anything done. At least I had a friend… there was this girl. Omira. Looking back I should probably curse the day I met her, but at the time, it was nice to meet someone else who was sick and tired of reading books all day. So we got into a lot of mischief. Hiding the transmuter’s cat and tell him it died, stuff like that. I know that’s not funny, I told you it was a fucked up story. It was funny to us at the time, although it didn’t exactly make us the popular kids. And then there was that day…

But before I’m telling that story: Oi, barkeep! Another ale. And stop laughing.

…you see, we heard stories of a red dragon that was about to attack Ferozoica. Everyone was running mighty scared. We thought it was ridiculous, what with all the mages and the dragon, but we’d be damned if we weren’t to make a joke of this. You know, there’s this powerful spell, Polymorph… can turn someone into whatever. So we thought, „Hey, let’s make ourselves a dragon and scare people some more!” Told you we were fuck ups. Not like anyone was gonna teach us that spell, so we broke into the library and stole it. Omira was still better at doing all that castery stuff, so she did the casting and I turned into this. Couldn’t make a full dragon, but it was close enough. Had some fun, spew some fire, flashed a tail, it was great. Lasted for almost two days, then it went wrong. See, we started to wonder why I didn’t turn back. Then we found out I couldn’t even when I tried. Scroll was used, so we couldn’t use that, either. And to make matters worse, we got caught by the transmuter. He was still pissed about his cat and dragged us to the director’s board. Remember when I told you we weren’t the popular kids? Yeah, they threw us right out of the academy. Rightly so, I must admit, but they didn’t even turn me back. Told us that the spell we used was actually called TRUE Polymorph, means I’ll stay like this forever as part of my punishment. Now, I’ve gotten used to this, quite like it even… the intimidation factor is useful in my line of work. But at the time, I thought it was the worst.

Which reminds me. Lurk! Ale! A good one this time! And I told you to stop laughing, you fucking imbecile!

See, I couldn’t exactly go back to my parents. That would have been a scene… „Hey mum and dad! Remember that son you’re so proud of and that you indebted yourself to get to the Academy? Yeah, surprise, it’s me. I fucked up, never learned and instead played terrible jokes. Oh, and I’m not even human anymore.” Nah, not gonna happen. Omira said she was gonna go to Ailamere and try her luck there, so I figured I just as well come with her. Left my parents a letter though, explaining everything. They probably think me a coward now, and they would be right.

Wasn’t easy. 2 kids, 10 years old, one looking almost like a dragon… we weren’t exactly prime candidates for charity, lemme tell ya. So we had to steal. And lie. A lot. Hated every second of it, but Omira enjoyed it. Bad sign, should have left her then and there, but I didn’t want to be alone. Only made the getaway when she started proper blackmailing and extortion stuff. Couldn’t stand for that, so I left her. Probably another mistake. Life got even harder. I mean, I tried getting money the proper way. I had some minor skill with illusions, so I tried some street stuff, juggling and all that shit. I was good, sure, but people didn’t much care, at least not enough to leave some money, so I kept stealing.

And then, when I was about 16, I got caught by this man, Korron. Best thing that happened to me in a long time. No, I’m not being sarcastic. Dragged me in front of the village council who would have sent me to the mines right away, but lucky me, Korron took pity and got them to change the punishment to serve as a stable boy and jester for him and his mercs. See, he used to lead this company, the White Swords they called themselves. For the first time i forever, I felt like I belonged somewhere. Korron and his mercs always treated me right and I didn’t have to steal anymore. Even learned a trick or two from their blacksmith. Turned out I had a bit of a knack for that kind of thing. Anyway, the mercs. They were the honourable kind. Rough, but fair, Korron used to say. Even encouraged my to find a way for my magic to work. „Books aren’t everything”, he used to say. Music to my ears, though I didn’t really find that way until I started training. See, by the end of the 5 years they were practically family to me, so I decided to stay and join properly. Got trained by Korron himself and found out that combat has a way of focusing one’s mind so that magic flows a bit more effortlessly. At least for me. Kinda improved my blacksmithing, too. Finally in control… it felt good, lemme tell ya.

When Korron was out, I trained with this sweet girl, Gwen. Happy girl, laughed all the time, but don’t let that fool you. She was fierce, gave me quite a few beatings in our sessions. They were still my favourite lessons. Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know why, you know why exactly.

Damn, mug’s empty again. Lark… Lurk… whoever. I told ya to keep ‘em coming.

Yeah, we grew really close. Went through the whole boyfriend-girlfriend routine and eventually even married. Can you imagine that? Me? Married? I know, weird, I can barely believe it myself, but there I was… happy for the first time in my life. Well, at least since I left my parent’s home. Korron always told me I had to go back, but I wasn’t ready for that. Speaking of kids, we even had a kid. Not one of us though… dragonborn and others can’t breed that way, though we can do the deed, I tell ya… anyway. One of the mercs brought back this half-orc boy, Craich. it was 18 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. He had been stealing from the merc and apparently did that a lot. Remind you of someone? Yepp, practically me. So I did the only thing I could: Took him in, trained him. He was a handful, but I managed and he became like a son to me. Us. Gwen he liked too, so after some time, we thought we’d make it official and adopted him. My own happy little family… I’ve never been happier in my life. Except for… well, you know that by now.

Mhm, getting tipsy. Bah.

Of course, then I had to go and fuck it all up again. We were in this town, Coalroth. Were hired to root out some big wig black market operation. Gwen and I found out where there leader was soon enough, but when we busted down the door, I was quite shocked to see it was Omira. My old childhood friend turned crime boss. Gwen insisted on dragging her sorry ass back to the camp in chains and we did, but I couldn’t help but feel responsible. Thought I could’ve kept her from going down that path. Bunch of bullshit of course, she was gone the moment she started that extortion scheme. But she used my doubts against me. I can’t believe I fell for her now, but I actually freed her. I know, I’m a dumbass, but I felt so sorry for her. She returned the favour by murdering two of our mercs and stealing the company’s treasure before getting away.

Nah, stuff your ale. Don’t want it. What do you mean, I asked for it. Fuck you. Last time I was drunk, I killed a man. Do you want to be the next? No? Thought so, now get lost.

Yeah, yeah, I’m getting to that. Later. Where was I? Right, Korron was furious of course. I might have been second-in-command, but I think at that point I was extremely close to being demoted to jester and stable boy again. Worse, we had no fucking money left at all to feed or equip the White Swords. Sure, we could take some high-paying job, but those were always extremely dangerous and Korron always tried to keep us away from the suicidal stuff. But we had no choice, so he came back with a contract to escort some caravan to Fer… Zoica. Didn’t like it onw bit. One, I didn’t want to see this place again, two, I knew that area was very, very dangerous. Suicidal, you see. But it as my fault, so I told myself to shut the fuck up and instead helped with trying to find a little less dangerous route where noone would expect us.

It was all for nought, of course. Someone betrayed us. Fed us to the dogs. Or Tieflings in this case. They came at night and where on us before anyone could properly dress for a fight. Fucking cowards. We fought, oh, did we fight, but they were more and they were dressed for the occasion. They just slaughtered us. I wish I had died with them that day, but all I got was a blow to the head that passed me out. When I came to… I will never forget that horrible sight. Bodies of my friends littered the ground, some burned beyond recognition. Not ashamed to say I cried my eyes out. More ashamed to say that I replaced the grief with blind rage, but more on that later. I looked everywhere for Gwen and Craich I hope that means they are alive somewhere and we’ll meet again. Probably think I’m dead though. Still, I can’t stop hoping.

I did find Korron though. He must have put up one hell of a fight, but of course, not even him could fight them off bare-handed. At least I could bury him, which I did. I took his sword though. No, not the big one on the back, this one.

Relax, Lurk, I’m not going to kill anyone, just wanna show it. Sorry for that comment by the way.

Swore to revenge his death with this. If I ever find the guys who murdered him, it will be like Korron is there with me when I drive them through. Will feel good, I’m sure. Although there’s not much chance of that happening, bastards hid their tracks well, you see. For years, I followed every single lead I had on them or Gwen or Craich, but every single trail went cold. Every. Single. One. Not even magic could help. That finally broke me. Losing a family once - it hurt like hell, but you get over it. Losing one twice - not something you walk away from. I did some awful stuff after that. Worked as a hired muscle to threaten villagers into giving their last coin, extorting money out of poor people and all that to just drown myself in ale and hopefully dying from that. Almost came to that, too. There was this man, kept bugging me the whole evening. Shrugged it off until he started bragging about he knew how my company would get killed, How there was a traitor. I completely fucking lost it. Slapped him across the room, strangled him, shouted at him to tell me what he knew. He wouldn’t say anything. Probably because I had accidentally killed him. Told you I killed a man last time I was drunk.

Nobody cared, luckily. Nobody knew the man. But it was a wake-up call for me. When I came back to my senses, I realised a whole lot about myself. Not much of it pleasant. For example, I realised what an absolute tool I had been these past years. Drowning myself in my sorrow and ale while making the life of others miserable. I was a disgrace. I spat on the memory of my fallen comrades, especially Korron. I’m just glad Gwen and Craich never got to see me like this, but I swore to never let that happen again. Stopped drinking, still did mercenary work, but just the honourable stuff. Protection from guys like… well, me, for the last few years. Stuff like that. It felt right.

I even restarted my search, can you believe it? Yeah, it’s probably going nowhere. But I can’t give up again. Been there, done that, not doing it again. Still, I swore there would be no taboo places, nowhere I won’t look. Should have thought that through. See, I got a contract, not long after that. From Zoica. A guy named Cuu. Said he needed protection from some terrorists trying to overthrow him. It seemed like a worthy cause, but it was Zoica. This place. But… I wasn’t going to break my promise, so I manned up and went here. Again for nothing, of course. When I arrived, it was all over. Compound in flames, no Cuu, no contract. For fuck’s sake, I thought. Plus, the whole city looked kinda ruined. Not exactly the return to Zoica I had wished for. Couldn’t wait to get out of this miserable place. But I needed the coin, so I went to see if anyone needed a well-trained and experienced merc around here.

Big… I wanna say mistake, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. You know, I just saw my parents. Yes, the ones I haven’t spoken to since I left Fe… Zoica in shame. Guess I should be happy they are alive, and I am, but at the same time, I feel terrible. I’ve been such an awful son to them, they didn’t deserve that. I couldn’t bring myself to see them. Not yet. I know I should have, but I couldn’t think straight. Completely froze, storm of emotions and all that… and then they were gone again, turned around a corner and out of my sight.

So that’s how I got here. I know I said I don’t drink anymore, but I needed a stiff drink after all that. Ah, felt good to get all that off my chest. Good thing you’re just a broom and will never tell anyone. Think I know what I have to do now.

Oi, Lurk. Tab please. And make it double. I feel like I deserve a bit of punishment for being such a prick.